:Title:    Depression
:Author:   Linda Nowakowski
:Date:     Fri, 02 May 2008 18:37:49 PDT
:URL:      http://www.ned.com/user/u523412994/news/28/

Depression is a confusing condition for doctors as well as people who suffer with it and their families.  There are still arguments that rage over whether it is a disease or a disorder.  There are still people who believe that people who are suffering with depression are just sad, or lazy or emotionally, psychologically weak. 

I struggle with all of those things but I just don't care what it is called.  I know it is real.  I know it is devastating.  I know that it strains and even destroys families and friendships.  Been there and done that.  I am also pretty much convinced that unless you have suffered with this condition yourself, you will never really be convinced that it is real.

I have been an over-achiever and a work-aholic all of my life. I no longer make either of those confessions with any pride. I have no scientific evidence to back me up but I believe that they are (at least in my case) coping mechanisms or maybe better, coping avoidance mechanisms.

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression some 12 years ago when I was still married and living a "normal" family life. At that time, I was working full time, doing about 40 hours a week of volunteer work, and still running a household, doing hobbies like gardening and embroidery and lots of reading as well as making all of or my own clothes and doing lots of entertaining.

Then one day I found myself sitting in the center of the floor in the bathroom unable to clean it.  I was paralyzed. At that point I sought medical/psychiatric help.  I then went through the anti-depressant drug therapy and psychiatric counseling routine.  

I know that the drugs helped.  To a point. I hated being on them.  I couldn't think clearly. arggghhh.... I don't even want to think about those times.

I was on drugs for about 2 years. I finally went to my psychologist and told him that there had to be another way.  I had read all of the statistics that once you were diagnosed with depression the chances of recurrence increased and the period of time between episodes decreased.  I told him that I needed something other than drugs to cope.  I needed to know how to recognize the early symptoms and have some coping mechanisms in place so that I could actively help myself not to get in the hole. He smiled and took on the challenge.  Within a couple of months I was off of drugs and feeling better than I had in years. I was strong again and was able to endure the agony of a divorce, the failure of a business and a move to Thailand.

I will be the last person to tell you that the last 10 years have been depression free.  I have had episodes but I really do recognize the symptoms and have been able to deal with it all amazingly well.

The reason this is coming out here now is that I am in the middle of the biggest battle I have faced in that time and I am trying to negotiate my way through it. One of the biggest problems I face is that I am isolated here. This is term break through the end of the month and almost all of the 9,000 students on campus and most of the faculty members are gone. I have virtually no one to interact with and everyday is filled with frustration as I deal with the typical daily problems I face here - no transportation, the library is closed, the internet goes down, no one understands my English and my Thai is not sophisticated enough to communicate what I want to communicate.

Last night I found myself sitting staring out the dark window into the night and trying to pull my thoughts out of a downward spiral and I couldn't find a single good thing that happened yesterday to grab on to...I have things to do and I can not do them.

I am writing this not because I want any sympathy.  I am writing it for much more selfish reasons.  I need to focus on something and feel like I have accomplished some small thing. 

Please, if you have someone in your life who is suffering like this, don't minimize it. Hold on to them and help them focus on the little good things in their life that they just can't see at the moment. It's not going to bring world peace or end world poverty or feed children who are starving but then again....if they come out of it stronger than they were before, maybe it will help all of those things.